Yeah so this is from my Blackplanet page I had not too long ago haha. I had to delete that joiint tho because for one, it brought TOO much drama and two ppl are only on the tryna get some booty yo... Lots of things have changed about my mindset and approach to people and interacting since then, I found that not to be the place online for me! lol So enjoy the info... also peep the song quotes lol***DISCLAIMER- If you have the energy to look @ my page I wanna hear from you! Send me a note or sign the Guestbook baby! If you are adding me as a friend send a note or you may be declined! Just a fair warning, I'm not on the 500+ friends thing lol***

Heyyyyy there BP! If you came to find beauty, and class wit a lil bit of sass you've found it!! I'm on here to meet new friends, catch up with old ones and network! I would like to try some plus-size modeling! Peep the pics tell me what you think...!

I'm eclectic, classy, and just alltogether different as far as my style (see the hair) lol and just the way that I carry myself. I am confident, have high self-esteem, always have a smile on my face, and love myself. I like to entertain, I keep people laughin to ward off the bad energy life sometimes brings us. I want to have someone that respects me for my mind and uniqueness, and appreciates the gift that I am. Once you get to know me, you'll love me, but you already do, don't you!

"You used to hold me, told me that I was the best / Anything in this world I want I could posess / All that made me want is all that I could get / In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets/(when I was young)"

"Now when it comes to styles, I got several

Sharper than the swagger, dagger or metal"

"Got my, gold watch and my, gold chain

with my fancy car and my diamond ring

with my, ghetto broad and she

so plain got couple scars and one of those long names

she a fight a nigga and cusses with no shame

and her Ex-man had her bagging up Cocaine but she

yea, yea she love it over here

Its just yea, yea she love it over here"

"Yesterday I saw a B-girl crying, I walked up and asked what’s wrong, she told me that

the radio’s been playing the same song all day long…"

"What you do is crazy babe

Not like you belong in an asylum

Crazy babe,

Like the sun in the morning

And the moon at night

Like the rain falling from the sky

Like the trees growing from the ground

I'm astounded babe

By your love for me

And your touching me

And your trust in me

Like you do "

Music! ahhhh what more can I say?! I love music music and more music....! I can listen to pretty much anything and fall in love. Especially Lyricism! MY FAVORITE rap artist is JAY-Z, his swagger is just off the chain! And I also admire his entreprenueral span because this man has his hand in just about everything! I prefer R&B, rap, neo-soul, gospel, pop and I listen to a lot of other stuff. I looove Eric Roberson, The neo-soul rockstar Raheem Devaughn! Noel Gourdin, MARVIN GAYE, ATLANTIC STARR, Jill Scott and many many more.. I also like to sing too, love going to concerts and listening to live performances. Just gimme some headphones and I'm good!

This man played that freaking guitar!! And he put it down @ Glastonbury, despite the haters

If not for YOU I would'nt be able to live to thrive
If I did'nt know YOU how would I be able to survive
If YOU ever left me I would be a lost cause
If I ever left YOU life would stop no pause
If my mother and father forsake me YOU would still by my side
If I accept your love for me we'll be 2gether in this next life
If my best friend hates me and nobody gives a care
If I alone feel alone and want to die YOU are always there

YOU infiltrate MY thougthts everyday
YOU show your love to ME in infinite ways
YOU seep into MY soul so heavenly and sweet
YOU love MY idiosicrasies and add to me
YOU don't answer MY every call but come right on time
YOU always in MY heart you'll never leave MY mind

I don't understand why YOU do what YOU do
I may not look like it but I love YOU too
I feel YOU in my spirit my soul so corrupt
I am so imperfect I wonder why YOU don't give up
I constantly call on YOU in time of need
I know YOU are my rock the only for me

Soo it's 4:12 am here in Columbus, OH and I have soooo many things on my mind it's ridiculous. I'm bout to take u on a trip... I got one question tho, IS YOU ROLLIN????

When am I gonna get a boyfriend? I think I'm so picky, that MAY be why I don't have one. I want one so bad, and I'm talkin bout the kind that makes me say WOW, is this one mine??? lol In terms of personality, trustworthiness, loyalty, looks I need a dude that's gonna floor me because these past couple of months, I have NOT been impressed. Well except the one dude, but he ain't on me. Guess I was'nt all that impressive *shrugs shoulders* :)

I have actually been enjoying my time without a phone slightly. My baby is broken and I don't have money right now :( New job starts MONDAY! :) Bout to be workin wit my homieloverfriend haha lol. I get pangs in my soul tho becuz I used to lay in the bed and post and now I have to sit @ a desk and write these damn blogs...

Also If I wanna call ppl I gotta use a HOUSE phone... I ain't did that in yrs and I ain't bout to have no dudes callin my house. They either A) are gonna be ignored by my grama cuz she on da phone or B) encounter my father which I dunno what that dude'll say, he's unpredictable....

I have been celibate for a lil bit over a month! YAY and plan on staying that way for a long long time. At least until YOU come into my life.. I messed up a couple wks ago, but playas mess up too sometimes. Pray my strength in the LORD! :)))

I need more platonic male friendships in my life. I love MEN...

I think these random thoughts are all about MEN lol

Speaking of MEN, I fall in love instantaneously with a man that can pick me up... The bouncer @ one of the bars we went to picked me up and needless to say I think I'm in loooooovvvvvveee again hahahahaha (JK!)

I love my brownskin MEN but I keep ending up with these lightskin dudes! What's that about?!?! Something about chocolate gives me chillllssss, BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL!

Man I love GOD for making me $0 D0p3niqu3 (Dope and unique) there really is nob0di lik3 M3! I love my individuality!!! And take the opportunity to excercise it at the drop of a hat!!!

Well I think that's all folkz! MayB an edit or two later lol!

*SMOOCHES*

What you WANT might make you cry and what you NEED might pass you by, if
you don't catch it...
And what you NEED ironically will turn out what you WANT to be if you just
let it...
~Lauryn Hill "When It Hurts So BAD"

So I feel this song in the pit of my soul every time I hear it, no lie! It describes what will happen if you give your love away to someone who does'nt deserve it. or someone who is'nt reciprocating it. The above quote describes my plight in full detail I swear.

What I WANT more than anything is what makes me cry.

All the time what I really NEED is passing me by because I'm too stupid to see that it's what I really need...

Therefore I can't catch it because I'm caught up ...

But what I NEED and I mean really really NEED ironically is going to turn out to be what I WANT it to be....

IF I JUST LET IT!

If I shift my focus from getting/chasing what I WANT in a man ie; what looks good, smells good, tastes good, sounds good, and feels good (five senses) and go after what I NEED from a man ie; love, honesty, loyalty, long-suffering and LOVE (characteristics) then what I NEED is going to turn out to what I WANT... I just have to LET IT happen... DEEP!

I'm so tired of getting my feelings hurt and my heart broken because I like many people rush the process. Women in particular. I'm not in any rush to the altar, TRUST ME, but I would like to have someone like/love me, because quite honestly I know I'm a GREAT PERSON and after that I'm a damn good woman!

The problem can quite honestly be attributed to the fact that I just wanna be accepted by the opposite sex, does'nt everybody dammit! And LORD knows I have a whole lot of love inside of me to give to the man who finds me and has the right intentions/motives/ good head on his shoulders/ GOD fearing/ good looking *crosses fingers*

I just need to chill out and LET IT BE....

Sooo I saw this over on my friend Mikey McFly's blog and decided I should share with you guys... I am a HUGE Musiq Soulchild fan. SoBeautiful is one of my favorite songs off of Onmyradio.. So when I saw that there was a video I had to see it! The imagery and set-up of the video is absolutely breath-taking and the model was very beautiful as well... Sit back and mellow out!

This isn't really a poem I'm just typing it like this getting out my thoughts, cathartic release. Not even tryna rhyme, just typing this line by line.... This is something I've yearned for all my life, unsettled my soul don't feel right. Like I'm missing a piece of me, a piece to feel complete. I know I have GOD but he made us earthly beings. I have feelings and a prayer just this one. More than anything to have a BIG brother....

Times like this I need a big brother
Not another lover
Just somene to lean on
When times get tough
When life gets rough
A male figure that's been through it
And has some insight to pull me through
Someone I can relate to
Someone to feel me
A shoulder to lean on when I get weak
Tell me I'm beautiful and not want a thing in return
In my soul I feel this ache, this burn
Someone to hang out with
Something like a mentor
To look up to him and say when I get married I want one like him
No blood between, but feel kinship
Like spirits meeting in our earth suits
To know I got somebody that has my back
A brother to feel me when it's me against the world
To have conversations that seem to never end
More than a brother more like my closest friend...

pro·to·type
Pronunciation:
\ˈprō-tə-ˌtīp\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
French, from Greek prōtotypon, from neuter of prōtotypos archetypal, from prōt- + typos type
Date:
1552
1 : an original model on which something is patterned : archetype
2 : an individual that exhibits the essential features of a later type
3 : a standard or typical example
"prototype." Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. 2009.

Merriam-Webster Online. 4 March 2009

A Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore-- And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

So I have been thinking lately and turning some things over in my mind...

Thinking about my future and purpose in life...

Deep stuff right?

Well while lost in my thoughts, I was reminded of my dreams. What I want to do with my life, who I want to be. Everyone has a picture in their mind of what they wanted to be when they were little. Some know immediately, some take time to mull over the many possibilities because they are infinite... I'm the 2nd person lol. I have so many things that I want to do and have the ability to do, I think damn can one person get this done??? YES I CAN, imma need a tem behind me though, lol. But back to my thoughts!

Basically, I've gotten so tied up in life and tryna make it that I neglected the person that God created me 2 be. My creativity being #1. I thrive on the opportunity to create unique combinations. Whether it be event planning, fashion design, jewelry making, songwriting, poetry, painting, putting things 2gether and making them work, make-up I live for this ish mayne!

I refuse to be my parents and have a job that I despise, just because I gotta have the bills paid. I don't wanna be another person who's dreams and aspirations haunt them because they didn't chase after them. One thing that I am steadily developing is DRIVE, INITIATIVE to get shit done for ME and my future. Mainly because the people you think would be there 2 support you and have your back may fail you sometimes...

Keep checkin back for me I got some heat for y'all later! Holla @ me baby!
Signed Sincerly,
The Dark and Lovely Diva
BeShayBE
*smooches*

I for one am a person that tries not to take things for granted. The little things in life are the prelude to your life's compilation. They are the bricks that build the house. It all comes together and creates a much larger picture... That's why when things happen like last night my IGNITION KEY and ONLY the ignition got lost, I don't trip all like that. God allows certain things to happen or not happen ultimately for your greater good. Even through my own irresponsibilty and neglect, things work out in my favor. That's the beautiful part of it. The bad or ugly part is that sometimes that can leave room for one to push the envelope continually.... But if you develop the right mindset then you won't even wanna chance it... But back to my original point. Don't take every bad thing that happens to you as a negative. In the end it is working itself out to benefit either yourself or others
and that is ultimately the good thing that God is trying to get out of it... That's my sunday sermon, with my not going to church 3wks in a row self!!!!! Lol Peace out yo!

Yo, I stole this list from my new best friend DJ DURL! Holla @ him on his blog http://djdurl.blogspot.com/! He's pretty dope and has some pretty insightful things to say, Certified!

2/17/09

10 Things you wish you could say to ten different people

1. YOU are not hot shit...SERIOUSLY! There are very few ppl I can say that I can't stand and you are one of them!
2. I feel like you have a listening problem. U don't listen and internalize things long enough before you speak. Work on it!
3. I am so much better for the experience that we had together. Even though you could have KILLED me with the emotional havoc I endured, I am so much stronger and forgive you and thank you for the pain...
4. You are a FUCKING dawg azz liar and I know your game. I had a lapse of judgement. Don't expect it to happen again! Thank you!
5. I love you from the bottom of my heart! You are my everything! MY EVERYTHING!!! YOU MEAN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO ME! I WOULD MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH FOR YOU AND I'M SOOOOOO PROUD OF WHAT YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE BECOMING! (For my bruder I can actually say that tho lol)
6. I feel like we are kindred spirits! Like if I believed in past lives, we would have been best friends, lovers, closer than close... I wanna get to know you better I think we'd have something special...
7. Man I fucked up and I wish that I hadn't done what I did with the motives that I had... Forgive ME!
8. I want to spend more time with you. You are so special to me....
9. If I could ever wish for a BIG brother, you would be it! We act alike, think alike, speak alike... I know GOD put you in my life for a reason!
10. I'm sorry if I am not in my place and there for you like I want to be. Distance is the only hidarance and even that isn't a good enough excuse because there's always Facebook lol. I love you this much *spreads arms wide open* to the ends of the earth and wish you the best in life and I will always be there for you. You're my BABY always and forever babygurl!

9 things about me

1. I cuss a whooooooolllleeee lot that's why I like ORBIT! Clean a dirty mouth!
2. PURPLE is my favorite color! I try to avoid buyin purple stuff (eyeshadow, shirts, accesories etc) but I can't help myself. It's soooo beautiful, the walls in my room are purple and brown.
3. I have too many purses, way too many.
4. Capture the moment baby! I love taking pictures, I might post a couple with this entry!
5. I have many nicknames Shayla Staxxx, Mz. Parker, Bubble, ShayBe, Shayberaebaby, ShayRae, Shay, Rae' (my middle name), and so many more... Pick/make one!
6. I don't do heels a lot, but I just got these 4.5's and I want to wear them every day, I mean every day!!!!
7. I strive to alwayz have kind things to say to ppl. I like to push ppl's buttons in a positive way, motivationally. I want to see everyone prosper and do well in their journey that we all call life. If you put good out you will get it back and vice versa!
8. I LOVE CHILDREN! Absolutely positively love them! I look forward to the day that I have my own, until then I will practice on my-birthday-present-niece/nephew to come! Oh, and your children!
9. I love the LORD, nuff said!

8 Ways to win my heart

This one is hard a lil bit I've never had anyone dote over me... Let's try this...

1. Be YOU! The best YOU that YOU can be. Individuality will get you far here...
2. A sense of humor will take you into another stratosphere, keep me laughing...
3. Intelligence is also an A++++ you have my heart if you know more than just what happened last night on Real Chance of Love or whatever is on TV nowadays..
4. Beauty is overrated. Looks are important don't get me wrong, but they can be decieving... I want you to be beautiful inside out..That's a winner!
5. Have a personal relationship with your maker! "Church Boys" lol are a major T.O. A man with the mind of Christ is the man for me!
6. A man that smells GOOT! Aqua Di Gio, Issey Miyake! Armani Code for Men! I wear the women's version so maybe one day we can meet up, ya dig!
7. A sense of style, the individuality piece comes in here. Unique, distinguished, trailblazing, fresh! I hate to this word, but a man that has a certain swag, confidence about himself....
8. Drive! Ambition! Not just aspiriation, but the get up and go to accomplish their goals. I see myself as a driven woman, going places, doing things with myself and I would like for someone to ride wit me, is that you?

7 Things that cross my mind a lot

1. Why is the sky blue?
2. If life is so far then why do roses have thorns? Lmao!
3. God.
4. My singing career.
5. My love life.
6. My niece/nephew to come.
7. How much I love MY DADDY! (Daddy's girl? YES!)

6 Things I do before I go to sleep

1. Talk to ppl on BBM, Yahoo IM, Twitter, FB and stay up longer than I should...
2. Wash my face, gotta moisturize my situation to preserve my sexy!
3. Take off allllll of my clothes, I like to sleep nakey...
4. Think of things to write about... My memopad on the bb is FULL...
5. Listen to music sometimes on the zuney zune...I love falling asleep and waking up to Raheem DeVaughn's voice!
6. I BARELY watch tv, but if I do I like watching crime shows, First 48, The Wire, or The Office dvd

5 People I couldn't live without

1. GOD/JESUS
2. DADDY and MOMMY
3. My brother and cousins (they're like my sisters really)
4. My Aunt Niecy
5. My GRANDMOTHERS

4 Things I am wearing right now-11:01pm

1. Leggings
2. Slouchy gray boots
3. Long hoodie
4. My lip ring

3 Songs that fit my life perfectly(right now)

1. Mary J. Blige- My Life
2. Jay-Z- Party Life
3. Raheem DeVaughn- Prototype!
(I'm tryna decide if I like the Andre 3k version or Jazmine Sullivan version better!)

2 Things I want to do before I die

1. Go to the Barbados and get my great grandmother's birth records.
2. Get married and have kids and fufill my God-given purpose, entertaining you suckas. Lol.

1 Confession

Awww damn y'all put me on the spot with that one.... Umm well I have "affection" issues...I use my words to describe my feelings really well, but when it comes down to me and men, I guess I just don't want to let my guards down. ASK about ME lol. It's bad. I'm trying to make improvements, I say I'm being careful... You can't let ur defenses down for just anyone!!! Waiting on the right one...

FACEBOOK HAS AN EPEDEMIC GOIN ROUND!!! IT'S CALLED ERRRBODU AND THEY MOM DOIN A 25 RANDOM THINGS LIST CHECK MINE OUT.... lol (I posted pics in my FB one but, I'm being lazy now...lol)


YES I FELL INTO THE TRAP..... lol

Yo this is the dark and lovely diva BeShayBE! This is MY 25 random things list and if you know me, you know I gotta be different! Peep 25 random things BeShayBE style!

1. I'm addicted to Twitter! I love twitting!

2. Yo, two things I most certainly will not be caught without are GUM and LIPGLOSS! Ever! And all the kids @ church know I got GUM on deck, they be checkin for me after church lol. And yes all of that was in my purse, no lie!

3. I AM A SCENT WHORE! I love perfume! Fav right now is Escada Moon Sparkle and Armani Code for women! No! Unforgivable woman and Juicy Couture! No! Victoria's Secret desire! Very Sexy 1 or 2!! Too much lmao!!

4. *I'm a part-time scripper and I do hair! You can't hurt me as long as I'm wearing these Jamaican colors! I'm made outta laffy tafffy! My suit so tight I been ready to fcuk! I'm the Jaugernaut BIIIIIIIITTTTTCCCCCHHHHH! *Dew YEW love me? Could YEW learn to love me? I'm OLG GREG! You've loved me, you've seen me you've known me! I'm OLD GREG! I have a Mangina, gina, gina, gina!!! *If you get killed and you get killed by a tiger and you get killed by a tiger in the zoo, that must be GOD'S will for your life! I wish a muthfugga would! This cage right here nugga, this cage right here nugga! I wish a muthfugga would!!! *I'm the man and you know that! I'm the one in the middle!!!! If you know where any of these quotes came from, put it in your comment!

5. I find ways to excercise my freedom in being D0p3niqu3 by using words that ppl don't say anymore, or say in OHIO, like something is BOMB not the bomb, or BOSS, like those shoulder pads are BOSS or that perm is BOSS etc etc.

6. *I give you permission to skip this one because I started going off on a tangent lol*I can't stand a person that thinks they are better than anyone else!!! That is THE only thing that really rocks my boat! They think they know everybody and everything, when YOU probably know just as much, if not MORE... And alsoPPL that try 2 front on others... Me NO-likey..

P.S. I also am an advocate for the truth. Nothing is worse than a liar because that person lives a lifestyle shrouded by the last lie they told... Who can keep up with that ish? And to lie to the ppl that LOVE you and will always to your last breath and beyond? Senseless! Just keep it TRILL!!!!!

7. I wanted to be a Russian interpreter when I was in middle school, my Uncle Michael said black ppl don't live in Russia NIGGA! (Just in case you did'nt know, he's CRAZY). He was like them Dayum Mexicans is takin over, you need to learn that! I started taking Spanish in HS and I don't remember much of any of it...SMH lol

8. Frappicuino is crack in a cup, it joins the ranks of Chipotle, Zuppa soup from Olive Garden, Chicken and wild rice soup from Panera, Raising Canes chicken fingers, Snickers with almonds, Pizza Uno's pizza skins and Reesch's donuts... I sound fat as hell now lol, dang!

9. I enjoy baking, I can actually cook I just don't get to do it much. I cook at Gloria's all the time, come see us! $5.00 per person!! We tryna get PAID IN FULL!

10. I have a problem applying myself to fullest of my potential. Laziness and procrastination are vices that I fight daily!

11. My cousin had a dream that I lost 20 lbs and became an underwear model, not knowing that I secretly desire to be an underwear model! Lol (I play too much)

12. I STAN for anything in my CITY that has substance, quality and is a cut above the rest! Shouts out to Cap City Connections, DJ Krate Digga, The Usual Suspects Crew, Mirrorlove Productions, Fly U, Fly Paper, The Nice Guy Movement... I plan on having y'all do the same for ME, someday!

13. I don't watch a lot of TV @ all. You don't wanna ask me what happened on America's best dance crew because I aint seen it lol. I watch crime shows mostly, I'm more of a reader. Oh and music lover, ahhh yes! Jay-Z, Kid CuDi, Raheem DeVaughn, Eric Roberson, Outkast, Marsha Ambrosious, Fred Hammond, Colin Munroe, 88-Keys, and too many more take me away!

14. Speaking of reading, I've been known to finish a 500+ pg book in 1-2 days. Reading is fundamental! My vocabulary can support this claim. That is also why I'm a good writer.

15. I have a website with my writing on it... If you wanna see it send me a msg!*whispers* BeShayBE.com.... And I need a graphic designer to help me out!!

16. I am addicted to my BB! I'm typing on it now lol. BBM me! Once u get a CrackBerry and understand ALL that it can do, you will understand why the world was created...Marinate on that...lol

17. I am thinking about getting my lip pierced and am getting 2 tattoos... A crown on my wrist and GOD IS LOVE on the other...Yeah I can live with that! I will not fall into the tramp stamp line or get anything stupid tatted on my chest like MY OWN DAMN NAME or paw prints.... NO offense lol

18. I am a singer. Yes I can say that now I have a slightly elevated sense of confidence, due to encouragement from various sources. I have very very very intense stage fright, I SWEAT like a whore in church, like bad which is weird because I'm confident in most other areas...

19. I'm scared to fall in love. Lions, Tigers, Bears is a TRUE story to me!! I don't like to not be in control. When I'm thru with you I'm thru, and if I want something I go after it! Love is a challenge to me and because I know the true definition, I can't continue to SETTLE for anything less and put my ALL into it. Compromising for inferiority is not the name of the game anymore baby!

20. I like to use CAPITALIZATION for emphasis, ! marks because I'm always excited and the phrase lol is used very heavily in my text msgs, twits etc. I guess it's because I'm always laughin and all lol.

21. I LOVE taking pictures, my motto is capture the moment baby! And I have soooo many moments captured!

22. I like looking up quotes! I have had a love affair with words 4ever and won't give up on it ANYtime soon! In addition to that I like to use larger words when I know that I can use words with less syllables as to not confuse y'all simps... Lol
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

23. If I did'nt have JESUS CHRIST in my life, I would'nt be alive today or in my right frame of mind. I thank God that my parents and family are in the church otherwise I dunno where I'd be...

24. I like to converse with ppl. I like to meet new ppl and get inside their mind and see what's goin on. I have lots of associates and ppl that I count dear to me. Cousins that are pretty much sisters, close friends that are family and the ppl I communicate with on a regular basis are a pretty big deal to me. So if I talk to you regularly or tell you I miss you or that you crossed my mind, I really mean it...Also if I'm really really really mean to you *cough**cough**cough**cough* (Rashaun!)*cough**cough**cough* (MARISA)*pounds chest* whew I got something stuck in my throat!! *cough* *cough* (Gloria)*cough*, that means I'll love you 4ever lol lol

Last and most importantly *sexxxy red voice*(lol)

25. I anticipate that day that I say I DO to the man I'm gonna love for the rest of my life. My parents have been married going on 22 years. Until then I'm choosing to live a lifestyle of celibacy. I'm so damn serious y'all, I MUST have someone to fall in love with my beautiful mind over my beautiful body lol etc... That shit gets BO-ring! So although it may be hard, I gotta change what I'm doing to get different results, unless I like being heartbroken which I don't!!!

*Whew*Well thanks for checkin in on me y'all! You gotta do yours now!!! :>p

*BONUS*5 Fav Movies
1. Coming to America
2. Old School
3.Saw 1-5
4.THE WIRE OMG I LOVE THIS DAYUM SHOW SO MUCH I KNOW IT AINT A MOVIE BUT IT'S MY BONUS NUGGA! I'm in need of season 5, who got me on that?
5. The Butterfly Effect

Fav TV shows
Again I don't watch TV all like that so it has 2 be something spectacular to have me enamored lol.
1. What Not To Wear
2. First 48 or any crime show!
3. Intervention!

Well you guys, I have been so uninspired lately....

I am experiencing technical difficulties in my life right now.... Relationship-wise, Creatively, Financially, Spiritually (which is most important)





I've stopped chasing after things that are pretty much worthless. I count things as being worthless when I can see clearly that they are going NOWHERE good. Time is important and immeasurable to the naked eye, but it will definitely catch up with you. Nobody knows when it's time to go so you had better make the most of what you have now. People have been a hang-up of mine for a while. Thinking about what people think of me, feel about me, want from me and placing them on the list above myself. NO LONGER. That does nothing but run Marshay into the ground...

Also forsaking those that are most important to my very existence. MY MOTHER for instance has received the brunt of this stick. I beg for forgiveness for that because she could be my best friend, but I won't let her....



I DRAW. Haven't done that in a while. I SING. Working on that, but I need to be more dedicated to that. I WRITE SONGS. Dedication not there fully. I WRITE POETRY. Mind is too cluttered to squeeze out my thoughts. STRUGGLE is the name of my affliction. I DESIGN CLOTHING AND SEW. No time for that, too busy worrying about other things. Can't put a pen to the paper. Can't stroke a key on my blackberry. Can't lift a finger to do my research. Can't thread a damn needle. Creativity snuffed out, blocked out by my thoughts....

I recently experienced a panic attack because I am so stressed out. I was seriously buggin out over a project and over the course of that day, I felt tightness in my chest, my heart started beating faster, I couldn't breath and I started hyper ventilating. I thought I was going to DIE! I was crying throughout this ordeal and I couldn't really talk so that scared me even more. I wanted to go to the hospital, but I was worried about the cost of the motherfuckin ER visit more-so than anything else. Oh yeah and since my mom was pissed off @ me for not seeming to care about her birthday, she waved me the fuck off... Yeah it was bad. Eventually it went away, after I laid down and slept, but I could still feel the pain days later....

I'm coming out of a slight depression. I admit it, a depression. I sleep too much, eat the wrong shit and just feel like ugggggghhh and try to avoid my problems with the wrong substances, but they are STILL THERE. And that is the hard part coming to terms with the fact that they are still there. I think that %95 of people that are depressed don't come to this realization.... I didn't realize this until my mom pointed it out to me like 2wks ago. MY ROOM is even a mess because my mind is cluttered. I wake up every day to MESS and JUNK strewn all about around me. SUFFOCATING me. DROWNING me. It is an accurate depiction of my mind. Bills everywhere, paper everywhere, clothes everywhere. EVERYTHING everywhere!!!!



ARGGGGHHH where do I start? They say Mo' money, Mo' problems... HA I say NO money a whole lotta problems!!!! My problems with money stem from irresponsibility of my part for knowing better and my parents for letting me do it, but ultimately rest in my lap and on my credit report, phone records, case files etc etc. If I had $10,000 this would be all free and clear, but alas I do not... My JOB situation is not the best, I was pretty much forced to resign from my job making $32,000+ a yr... I know that GOD i using this as a humbling experience for real because I am surviving off of $9.50 and hour, I just can't get my bills PAID. I don't even want to open some of the fuckin letters I get some days man. Mail stacked up 'ye high!!! Craziness.... Car payment due, parents need money, car breaks down, cell phone getting cut off, I don't live like this!!! That damn cell phone is about to be cut theee fuggg off! AHhhhhh this is feeling a lil bit better....



"I'M NOT WHERE I WANNA BE, but THANK GOD I'M NOT WHERE I USED TO BE!"

I am thankful for all has brought me through and continually brings me through. *tearing up* I went from having LOW self-esteem to having HIGH self-esteem. From being SUICIDAL to knowing that I have PURPOSE and use for this life I've been so graciously given. There are too many other things to even list.... I'm the child my Mom was told she couldn't have. The one that God knew before I was created. So why would I not go back to the source of my being and acknowledge HIM in my living and breathing, my existence? FOOLISHNESS I tell you.

God would still be good if he didn't do another thing for me ever ever again. I could have been kidnapped, killed, dead and gone just from my IDIOTIC actions. I DRIVE DRUNK and haven't killed myself or anybody else yet? Thank GOD! I have a BIG ASS crack in my windshield that hasn't broken yet and it's -20? Thank GOD! I am breathing still? THANK GOD!! He SENT HIS SON TO DIE FOR ME!?!? THANK GOD times INFINITY! I really have gotten away from what I know to be true and not a lie, and that is GOD. I know with every fiber in my being that GOD loves me even though I do what I know is wrong and that I am 4given!!! I am glad for the presence GOD has in my life, but there definitely needs to be more of him shining through me....

I'll ttyl and give y'all updates on changes, I'm just frustrated and many other things but I feel a lil bit better... PEACE!

This is dedicated to YOU...Sometimes it takes for someone else to say how they feel in order for you to gather your own thoughts, just listen...

There comes a time in a relationship, friendship or whatever, to where you must evaluate things. You must take account of the time, money, love or what have you that you have invested into a person. Any wise investor is one that is eventually looking for a return of some sort for their investment. While expecting an equal return is the desired effect, it is unrealistic for that expectation to be excercised upon every transaction or exchange with that person. An exchange of some sort is necessary though. I've come to the point in my relationships with certain people are under audit. Some people give %20 when it comes to me, but fully expect me to give a robust %100 when it comes to them. I call this selfish and self centered. These people are used to getting their way so they expect it from everyone that they encounter.

Given there are times when this will occur, one giving more than another, but it should by no means be standard. I have to let go of these people. So while it may hurt me in a way, I know that eventually it will be all better. I'm better off without that shit in the long run. The one that deserves what I possess in character, love, moneterarily etc; will not even ask. It will continually be reciprocated unconditionally and without hesitation or any anxiety involved.

The question is are you making wise investments?

Please excuse me guys, the internet fu*kery entry will be up soon! But as any other night, like many of you, I am layin in the bed thinking. I have a certain someone that I am talking to that I've taken up an interest in. And I know that he likes me too. He's actually a very very good guy. He listens when I have problems, I listen when he has his. He is very polite and strictly a gentleman. Sounds great 4 ur gurl right? Wellllllll here's the problem, I kinda feel like its 2 good 2 be true, like I don't deserve it and right now I'm not wanting to let go of doing me, but I can feel the end of this form of selfishness coming 2 an end. I want to "Share My World" give a part of me 2 someone else and expect the same in return. Actually to give my all to a man... But I won't make any steps 2 do so because I'm scared to just lose control, or the so-called-upperhand in the situation. This
pattern of behavior hasn't failed me yet, according to what I know, but I think I will be messed up in 2 months when he's with another chick and I'm still alone. By alone I mean desiring a companion to fufill my emotional, spiritual, physical needs. Which he does in a way... The thing I don't wanna do is RUSH which I can say I've been taking it super slow on this. I'm really tryna play my cards smart and not make a mistake. Because in this case its a heart @ stake. I'm scared that umma fuck up, although I know that past behavior is simply the past and that I can't use it as a mesuaring stick. As a person that is constantly maturing, I do my damndest not to repeat stuff and learn my lesson. Well more later! Holla @ me!!

Welcome to my getting to know me post!! This is to show that I'm So I told u guys that this was'nt my first blog!! Click the link to see my first baby

Also see some of my early work I was a lil cuss boxx lol this was 3 YEARS AGO!!! Crazy huh????

Sunday, August 14, 2005
Boy you're not worth my tears or time/ you and your lame ass lines/ but yet I took it time after time/ Oops my bad on my part/ I let you break my heart but you just made me a lil bit more smart/ Your game was fucked up/ All them times that you hung up on me/ And you thought you was still gettin' some bootee?/ No you got the game all fucked up and twisted/ Pimpology 101 was you in class or did you miss it?/ A real man knows how to handle his/ You're still a fuckin' boy you either hit or miss/ You play the same childish games, they're all the same/ That's why I won't pick the phone up when I see your name......
Another one off the top of my head from my heart to you.....
8/14/2005 Marshay Rae' Wilson